Endless peace

I was talking with a friend, who has also experienced a traumatic pregnancy loss & we were talking through the emotional challenge of this journey. We both agreed that if we got pregnant again, it would be nearly impossible to not be filled with anxiety the entire pregnancy... we both know all to well the reality of what can happen. It is impossible to forget that. And I know that I sometimes can get upset about the fact that I am being robbed of the joy of pregnancy. I see pregnant women now, shopping at Target or in the mall & buying things for their babies with pure joy on their faces... that won’t ever be me. 

This is not to say that I won’t be happy if we get pregnant again... I would be over the moon. However,  the innocent joy has been robbed from me. It is a terrible emotional game of tug of war. When you start getting hopeful & excited, the fear hits you... when you are fearful, you try to focus on the joy. Focusing on the joy never truly works though, after losing a baby you never can truly relax during pregnancy... until a baby is in your arms. I cannot wait to finally have that feeling. The “we’ve made it” feeling. 

I am a pretty anxious person in general, but pregnancy loss has definitely increased that anxiety a lot. You realize the lack of control you have & even the things you can control only do so much. It is terrifying. So one thing I always tell people is, never tell a woman who is trying to conceive to “ just relax & it will happen”... first of all, you have not walked in her shoes. you have not known the pain of delievering a baby who will never grow older, you have not gone through the physical trauma that she has endured... second of all, you probably don’t know her medical history. There are tons of reasons she may not be getting pregnant & none of them have to do with relaxing! So please never tell anyone to “ just relax”.  Okay, sorry for that short rant, but I just really felt like that needed to be said! 

Anyhow...in the process of all of this, I have been trying to focus on having peace in Christ. He doesn’t promise us a life without suffering & pain, but He has given us the Holy Spirit to combat this world. A verse that I love is Psalm 29:11. Feel free to look it up, write it on a notecard, meditate on it... it’s a wonderful verse.  

“The Lord gives strength to His people. He blesses His people with peace.” 

Here’s to pursuing endless peace, in the midst of my grief. May I become more like Jesus, in the midst of so much pain & heart ache.