Loving your Sisters in Christ
I was having a conversation with my bestfriend today. We were talking about how sometimes, we aren't great at loving our friends in times of grief. I have been at fault for this too. We love to fix, and plan and help...but sometimes we aren't great at listening. I think this is one of the reasons that miscarriage and infant loss is not talked about enough in churches or in general.Miscarriage is so hard. It is challenging on the mommas going through it, it is challenging for marriages & challenging on friendships as well.
Here are a few tips for you, if your friends have been through a miscarriage and what to say/not to say. If you don't know anyone who has experienced a miscarriage, the chances are you will at some point or you may not even realize that someone around you has experienced one.
What not to say...
Man, where do I even start.
1. "Are you guys gonna have kids already?". This question always hurts my heart. People always mean so well when they ask this. New life is so exciting, so I totally understand the question. Before losing babies myself, I would excitedly ask my newly married friends when they were having kids. However now that I have been through losses, I have realized you don't know what people are walking through. I remember walking into Target a few days after losing Ivy, for a much needed shopping mental break ... my hair was in a messy bun, my face was puffy from crying and I physically felt awful. I turned the corner of an aisle, and ran into someone I hadn't seen in years. They asked about life & marriage.. and then the question I always dread "When are you guys going to have a baby? I know you love kids!". I know this person meant well. I know we all mean well, but I always try to not say anything regarding when people are having kiddos because it is super personal and for some it is super painful
2. "Well it's good that you are still young!" .... this one hurts me a lot. Yes, I am young and I am so thankful for that, but it doesn't make the pain any easier. My baby still died and my body was in extreme amounts of pain. I personally would try to just steer clear of this statement.
3. " God must've thought that this wasn't good timing for you to have a baby!" ... This makes me cringe. God wants life. The effects of the fall hurt God. He loves seeing his people raising their children in His Word. This definitely isn't a great statement, not only is it untrue but it also super negative to someone who is in pain.
4. " At least you know you can get pregnant." ... Trust me ya'll after our first loss, I tried to tell myself this as a source of comfort. However, now that I am in this position I don't find this comforting. What good is the fact that you can get pregnant if you can't stay pregnant? It is so hurtful. Just as a good point of reference any statements that start with " at least" probably are going to fall under the things not to say category.
What to Say & Do...
1. " I am so sorry." ... If you haven't lost a baby yourself, it can be hard to know what to say. I think "I am sorry" is perfect. I think just knowing that someone recognizes your pain is such a great source of comfort.
2. " What can I pray for specifically?" ... I also think that this is super important. I think that saying "I am so sorry.", is amazing. However, I think as a group of women that are supposed to be loving each other like Christ has loves us...we need more than that. We need to be vulnerable with our friends.
3. Check in with your friends. This is so valuable to hurting mommas. I think one of the hardest parts of losing a baby is that life continues on, but sometimes you feel stuck in your own loss. One of the things that's helped me the most is having amazing friends, that are always checking in on me. It helps me to never feel alone and know that people have not forgotten my babies. I have gotten the sweetest forget me not necklace, calligraphy art, and other things... and it means a lot.
4. Remember the Milestones. One of the hardest things for me, is that I can always think about what my babies would be doing right now if they were here. Due dates, birthdays, and holidays always are huge triggers for me in my grief process. It has meant so much to me, when people will text me and remember things like this. Things like baby showers are huge triggers for a lot of people dealing with infertility and pregnancy loss, so remembering those things and that even though your friend loves you and wants to come to your shower or to see your new baby, that they may not be ready for that... and that's okay! It's not personal and please remember that!
Loving our sisters in Christ ~
I think that as sisters in Christ, we need to really work on loving one another better. We need to learn to be vulnerable, and intential. This road of infertility and loss is not an easy one. I think that it is typically such a lonely process, but I have great hope that if we learn to love one another as Christ has loved us, that this can be changed. The pain from pregnancy loss does not go away, but as we walk down a road that is hard and painful it helps to have other women by your side that will support and love you. Someday I hope to hold my baby in my arms and tell them how many people have prayed for this day. Be the church. Love those who are mourning, just as Christ loves you.
Here are a few tips for you, if your friends have been through a miscarriage and what to say/not to say. If you don't know anyone who has experienced a miscarriage, the chances are you will at some point or you may not even realize that someone around you has experienced one.
What not to say...
Man, where do I even start.
1. "Are you guys gonna have kids already?". This question always hurts my heart. People always mean so well when they ask this. New life is so exciting, so I totally understand the question. Before losing babies myself, I would excitedly ask my newly married friends when they were having kids. However now that I have been through losses, I have realized you don't know what people are walking through. I remember walking into Target a few days after losing Ivy, for a much needed shopping mental break ... my hair was in a messy bun, my face was puffy from crying and I physically felt awful. I turned the corner of an aisle, and ran into someone I hadn't seen in years. They asked about life & marriage.. and then the question I always dread "When are you guys going to have a baby? I know you love kids!". I know this person meant well. I know we all mean well, but I always try to not say anything regarding when people are having kiddos because it is super personal and for some it is super painful
2. "Well it's good that you are still young!" .... this one hurts me a lot. Yes, I am young and I am so thankful for that, but it doesn't make the pain any easier. My baby still died and my body was in extreme amounts of pain. I personally would try to just steer clear of this statement.
3. " God must've thought that this wasn't good timing for you to have a baby!" ... This makes me cringe. God wants life. The effects of the fall hurt God. He loves seeing his people raising their children in His Word. This definitely isn't a great statement, not only is it untrue but it also super negative to someone who is in pain.
4. " At least you know you can get pregnant." ... Trust me ya'll after our first loss, I tried to tell myself this as a source of comfort. However, now that I am in this position I don't find this comforting. What good is the fact that you can get pregnant if you can't stay pregnant? It is so hurtful. Just as a good point of reference any statements that start with " at least" probably are going to fall under the things not to say category.
What to Say & Do...
1. " I am so sorry." ... If you haven't lost a baby yourself, it can be hard to know what to say. I think "I am sorry" is perfect. I think just knowing that someone recognizes your pain is such a great source of comfort.
2. " What can I pray for specifically?" ... I also think that this is super important. I think that saying "I am so sorry.", is amazing. However, I think as a group of women that are supposed to be loving each other like Christ has loves us...we need more than that. We need to be vulnerable with our friends.
3. Check in with your friends. This is so valuable to hurting mommas. I think one of the hardest parts of losing a baby is that life continues on, but sometimes you feel stuck in your own loss. One of the things that's helped me the most is having amazing friends, that are always checking in on me. It helps me to never feel alone and know that people have not forgotten my babies. I have gotten the sweetest forget me not necklace, calligraphy art, and other things... and it means a lot.
4. Remember the Milestones. One of the hardest things for me, is that I can always think about what my babies would be doing right now if they were here. Due dates, birthdays, and holidays always are huge triggers for me in my grief process. It has meant so much to me, when people will text me and remember things like this. Things like baby showers are huge triggers for a lot of people dealing with infertility and pregnancy loss, so remembering those things and that even though your friend loves you and wants to come to your shower or to see your new baby, that they may not be ready for that... and that's okay! It's not personal and please remember that!
Loving our sisters in Christ ~
I think that as sisters in Christ, we need to really work on loving one another better. We need to learn to be vulnerable, and intential. This road of infertility and loss is not an easy one. I think that it is typically such a lonely process, but I have great hope that if we learn to love one another as Christ has loved us, that this can be changed. The pain from pregnancy loss does not go away, but as we walk down a road that is hard and painful it helps to have other women by your side that will support and love you. Someday I hope to hold my baby in my arms and tell them how many people have prayed for this day. Be the church. Love those who are mourning, just as Christ loves you.
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