" How are you doing?"

This question is so hard to answer honestly... I don't know if anyone else struggles with this but a lot of times when people ask me this question, I quickly answer "I am doing fine, thank you!" and I try to keep moving... but if I was to be completely vulnerable with y'all....I am in more emotional pain than I have the words for.

I have had nurseries, names, baby showers, births, and first birthdays all planned out in my mind; and then torn away from me... but usually I would just respond with "I am doing fine." because it is easier than opening up and being vulnerable.

If I was to say how I really feel, it would sound more like this..."I am not fine, I am heartbroken and I am angry. I am deeply saddened and confused. I don't understand how my plans were erased in what feels like a moment and how I am now left with only "What If."  I wake up sometimes and I still think I am pregnant and that all the bad that has happened was only a nightmare but sadly, that is not the case. I often wish that this was not my story and that I had my babies here like so many of my friends do, but that is not my reality. "

However, I know that God is bigger than my fears. God is bigger than infertility and pregnancy loss. God knows the desires of my heart and He cares about me. I know even when it is hard and when I wish that this wasn't my story, that God already knows how He is going to use this to glorify His kingdom. I am thankful that God hears the deepest cries of my heart, even through the fake "I'm fine" and "We are great, thanks."

He hears the deepest cries of your heart too. He knows what you are longing for and hoping for. He cares for you. I challenge you to be vulnerable with your friends. Share the truth of how you feel about life and about God during times of mourning, and let them pour godly truth into your life. My best friend Kelly is the biggest testimony of this sort of friendship in my life. I know that no matter what sort of lie Satan tries to tell me about who God is, that she will always help me fight that with scripture and prayer. Find those people in your life. If you don't have someone in your life and desire that, I have tons of great people I could hook you up with, and I would love to help be that for someone to. We are so much stronger in times of trial or mourning when we have a solid group of believers/friends around us.

So today if you were to see me, and you were to ask me " How are you doing?".

 I would say " I am sad and I am angry, but yet I am still hopeful because I know that my God is for me"