Mourning

My goal in writing this blog is not to solely focus on the mourning aspect of pregnancy loss, although it as large aspect. I hope this blog will help some people who are also in that place of mourning right now. I am no writer by any means, however I feel like writing down your thoughts is a great way to process and grieve. With that being said, I am going to go through my morning process because while it has been painful, and hard to talk about.. it also helps me to heal. I googled the word mourning and the definition was "the expression of deep sorrow for someone who has died."

...... deep sorrow.

 Those are the words that I have been looking for to explain how I am doing. I feel deep, deep sorrow. Losing a baby is unlike any pain I have ever known. Every single fiber of your being longs to change your circumstance.. and yet it can not be changed. I think that is one of the hardest parts for me, I am a go-getter. I see a circumstance that doesn't have an outcome that I am fond of, and I do everything in my power to change the ending. However, this circumstance could not be changed. I had to release control. This is one of the reasons that my husband John & I decided to announce our pregnancy with Ivy, before my first trimester was over. Now, I have to say that releasing control is no easy task but it did cause me to put my trust in God in a radical way. We vowed that no matter the outcome or how long we had with our baby on this earth, that we would love this sweet little gift God had given us. We also vowed to love each other, no matter the outcome that life threw at us. This has not been easy, sometimes we get stuck in the mourning and it takes a toll on us. However, I know that John loves me and I love him. John and I are stronger together, and as my best friend would say we are forever #TeamMerkel. Together we continue to trust that God is good.

This is probably the most important thing I have learned throughout the mourning process, if  I chose to pull away from God throughout my mourning and not allow Him to meet me in it... I WILL FAIL. I will fail to love myself, I will fail to love my husband, I will fail to trust that God is good... but if I allow God to meet me in my mourning then I will love who God has made me to be, I will treasure my spouse who God has gifted me with, and I will remember that God is good all the time. If you are mourning right now... whether over the loss of a baby, or the loss of a parent, friend, spouse, job, dream, infertility struggles, etc... let God meet you there and mourn with you. The love He has for you will be the greatest and deepest love you will ever know.