Who am I ?

Throughout this journey, I have been struggling to find who I am....I sometimes feel lost in the midst of my pregnant friends & mom friends. I want to be a mom with all that’s in me, but I haven’t had that gift yet... so where does that put me? Who am I? I am constantly reminded of what I have lost... in my job, in my friendships, & in public places. I am constantly fighting an internal battle of anxiety about going places because of the questions. This is a actual conversation I had with a stranger :

I am out in public with my nanny kids...someone comments to  me, “Aww, your kids are so cute”...

 “Thank you but I’m the nanny” ...

The next question oddly follows, “Well that’s good birth control right?”

... or I have had someone say “So, are you just doing this because you don’t have your own kids?”

Outloud I respond with a chuckle and move along, but inside....inside, I am dying. They don’t know me... they don’t know my story.. they don’t know that I am taking insane hormones & getting blood drawn multiple times a week... and all I want is a baby. When you have lost babies, you are constantly struggling to find your place in the world. I am a mother but I have no babies on earth, so I don’t fit in with my mom friends... I am trying to get pregnant, so I don’t fit in with my newly married friends who don’t want kids for years. Where do I fit in?

I have to decide everyday to fill myself up with Jesus. Otherwise I am scrambling to find my place & my worth in this world. But when I find my worth in Jesus, I can have peace & joy in the midst of a confusing journey! When I focus on living for Jesus then everything else will fall into place. Trust me, it is easier said than done! However, it is worth the cost. It is worth it to be a little tired in the morning & get up 10 minutes early to read my Bible. It is worth it to chose to listen to worship music instead of the radio. It is worth it. Jesus is worth it.

So... Who am I ?

I am a daughter of the King.

I am worthy of motherhood.

I am strong.

I am forgiven.

I am loved beyond measure.

I am a cherished wife.

I am redeemed.

I am a mama of angels.

If you ask me, who I am. I will tell you that firstly I’m a child of the King. That’s who I am. When this earth fades away, that is what will matter... But I am also all of these other things. Especially a mama of angels. I am proud to be a mom of babies who are so deeply loved by their Creator... And I long for the days that my arms are filled with my babies in Heaven.


#MamaOfAngels